Living with monkeys

***DISCLAIMER: If you have a weak stomach please turn away and do not continue reading :)


Last night it was time for my boys to bathe and start getting ready for bed. I was in the middle of reading something and decided to stick them in the shower together to play while I sat on the bed reading, 10 feet away. It was only for a few minutes.
I hear them laughing and talking but wasn't really paying attention. The laughing started to get more and more robust and there was a lot of banging going on in the shower. In the past when they laugh like this it is never a good sign. They were have WAY too much fun for the shower. I decided to investigate.
I peek my head into the shower and almost fell down in shock!
I screamed, then yelled for my 2 older kids to come witness and grabbed my phone to video tape the maddness.
What were they doing, you ask?
The 5 year old had decided to poop in the shower while the 4 year old was throwing it up against the wall. Yes, they were flinging poop. All over the shower walls, floor, my shampoo bottles. I was glad to not find the feces on the ceiling.
I could not believe my eyes! That is when I realized I had given birth to a couple of monkeys!
What the H-E-L-L am I going to do with these boys!
I made both of them clean it up as best as they could and then finished the cleaning job myself all while gagging. I have changed hundreds-thousands of poopy diapers in my time but this really struck the gag reflex.
Note to self: Laughter = Trouble.

I didn't post the video because I am pretty sure it shows too much skin! :) I actually did you a favor!

Five finger discount

Tonight my 5 year old son, Gerrit, learned a very valuable lesson. A lesson about stealing.
We went to Staples after dinner tonight to pick up some office supplies. As usual, the boys had a case of The Gimmes. "Mommy, can I have this?" "Papa, can you buy me that?" followed by a quick "No" every time.
After a stop at the grocery store and more Gimmes, we headed home to unload our purchases.
Standing in the kitchen, a little toy magnet rolls out of Gerrit's waistband. I quickly remember specifically saying no with the reason that our fridge doesn't hold magnets (stainless steel) and also remembering the time they put a magnet on my laptop erasing my hard drive. Not that I even needed a reason because no means NO!
So how do you teach a kindergartener this valuable lesson? I remember when my big brother was caught stealing a pack of gum at about the same age. My mother marched him into the store and made him return the gum promptly. He then more than likely got his rear end beat! Which was the typical punishment back then. My brother never stole again!
But I really needed to impress on him the importance of his actions. Obviously, we were not able to drive back to the store.
I had to think fast!
I decided to make him write "I will not steal" 20 times. Making sure everything was legible and spelled correctly or he had to redo the whole sentence.
With tears streaming down his face he eventually finished his punishment before going straight to bed with no dessert. So before he heas upstairs, I ask him "Gerrit, now what have you learned from this?" Now his tears are really flowing and it is turning into his ugly cry. He could barely talk from the crying. What was his answer?

"That you don't love me anymore!"

God help me!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Savannah

Haircut Surprise and the Heebeegeebees

My 12 year old son, Andy, wanted me to take him for a haircut today. Since I wasn't feeling up to butchering yet another son's haircut I agreed to take him. I took him to a salon on the island that is run primarily by non-english speaking women. Whatever. We aren't going for a Justin Beiber cut or anything.

So Andy tells her he wants a regular buzz cut with it a little longer on the top. She grabs her clippers and starts plowing through his VERY thick locks. After about half a dozen passes she suddenly stops and yells "Ma'am! Ma'am! Look!!" pointing at my son's head. What in the hell could it be??
Yep. You guessed it ....Lice.

Immediately the lady, in complete disbelief, starts backing up. She drops the clippers while having this completely shocked look on her face. Kind of like they do in the movies when someone sees a dead person. I was motionless. Then I asked her "Well? What do we do??" "I don't know," she says. "What do you mean "You don't know"? Shave his head!" "No no no!" she exclaims. So I thank her and haul ass out of the salon!
I look at my poor child with his head half shaved and begin laughing uncontrollably! Here he is completely stunned with this jacked up head and completely infested with lice and all I can do is laugh. I grabbed a hat from the back seat and ordered him to put it on so he could hold on to a little bit of dignity. Plus, I didn't want those bastards jumping off on me in the car on the way home. As I drive home I remember snuggling with him in my bed last night. ew. His friends that had spent the night lately. Great. The last brush he used. His sister's.
We arrived home and I sat him in the middle of the back yard on a stool. Grabbed my extention cord and clippers and started shaving.
O...M...G... How in the world could this child NOT have known that there was a colony of bugs living in his hair? Once I started shaving it looked like I had kicked over a mound of ants! Really! It did! Once I finished, I made my husband get the leaf blower and blow the piles of infested hair into the neighbor's yard ;)

I have spent the rest of my day sanitizing the house and washing washing washing and washing more loads of laundry. Bagging pillows, trashing brushes, and $100 later at Walmart on new pillows and hair brushes, I am alomost done.



This is exactly how I wanted to spend my New Years Eve. Now where's my drink...

Santa Reneged

My boys deserved nothing but a lump of coal in their stockings this year for Christmas! Let me explain:

Saturday was the big day! My boys were so excited and could hardly fall asleep on Christmas Eve with anticipation.
We all woke up and raced down the stairs to see what Santa had brought. They were in awe of the loads of toys they found. Helicopters, airplanes, sleeping bags, video games, Nerf guns, Art supplies and more. They had hit it big time this year!
All day Saturday they played with their new toys while munching on chocolate found in their stocking.
Sunday morning we started our day as usual. Boys were in the living room, under the tree playing, fighting, crying, laughing, etc with their new toys.

Then Mommy snapped.

I started noticing broken pieces of toys around the house. I then thought back over the last 48 hours and I remembered all of the other toys that had been broken. A gun here, an action figure there, nerf darts (many), remote control car antenae. Then I realized that in their boredom (I still cannot imagine how they could be bored) they didn't really care about these toys at ALL! These 2 little boys had no respect for their toys. They did not appreciate them nor did they value them. It wasn't just that day or that week. It was every day.

So I grabbed a few trash bags and started filling them up. Everything. Gifts from grandparents, Aunts and Uncles, and, yes, even Santa! Nothing was left! I shoved everything last thing in the closet and proceeded to scream at and lecture them for the next 20 minutes! Mommy was on a rampage.

Later that day we left to run errands. We stopped at McDonalds for a Happy Meal. I took the toys out of the box and made both boys return the toys to the cashier, explaining that the toys deserved to be with children who will appreciate them.

It has been two days since my meltdown. They still have nothing to play with. Just a few books and eachother. They have been begging for their toys back (which means I think my evil plan is working). If they can get along, then they can start earning them back tomorrow.

I know some of you may think I am horrible for doing this to a 4 and 5 year old. But sometimes kids just have too much and they stop appreciating what they are given. I hope this sticks with them and they tell this story to their own kids ("Our mother took all of our Santa away") as incentive for their own children. I blame myself (and my husband) for buying them things more than I should.
If you have other ideas on how to let me children appreciate their possessions, I am open for suggestions!

**UPDATE: On Wednesday, December 29th they were able to get all of their toys back but not before making them beg for 3 days ;)

Bad Haircuts

It is a well known fact that I am cheap. My husband is also cheap. Our local Sport Clips closed and we were looking for an alternative.  So a few months ago we decided to save a few bucks and get some hair clippers for our boys. How hard can it be? Of course, I buy the cheapest ones at Walmart.
We set up our "salon" in the kitchen. I started with Gerrit's hair. Buzzing it here and there but not too short and not too long. It was "ok". He was squirming and crying towards the end and I had to rush him upstairs to the shower, leaving my husband in charge of the other 2 boys.
Next up was Thijs. While I am upstairs with Gerrit, my husband decides he doesn't need the handy color coded "guards" and that he could cut Thijs' hair without it. Thijs is very wiggly and antsy. About half way through the cut he yanks his head to look at his other brother, Andy (Eric's apprentice). Needless to say a GIANT chunk of hair came with it.
By this time I am finishing up upstairs and as I am coming down the stairs I hear major laughing and commotion in the kitchen. My husband and oldest son are both in tears. I knew something awful was going on. Once I realized that he had a  major bald spot taken out of the side of his head I started in on my smart-a$$ husband "What the hell were you thinking?!?!?! This is NOT funny! Picture day is in 2 days and he looks like a goofball!!" As I am yelling at my husband, Gerrit picks up the scissors behind my back and whacks off a huge chunk of hair on the top of Thijs' head.
What can you do at this point? So after my rant I take Thijs upstairs and try in vain to fix these spots. He looks like a dog with the mange at this point.
I give up and now every time I see his school picture I am reminded of this episode. I have since vowed to take them to a real barber shop now. I think it is worth the few extra bucks.